i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The air taste purple.
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