If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
