it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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