Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You are a genius and a whore.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
