my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
