my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Someone came in the potted fern
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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