I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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