We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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