if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
