Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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