I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Acid is not a monday night drug
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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