It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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