I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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