My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
