this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
