i already hear my dad disowning me
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
