I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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