I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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