Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
