Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
