My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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