My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
