she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
There's even glitter on my cock...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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