Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
