so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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