Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
