The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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