I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
