I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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