Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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