Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
