someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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