I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
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Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
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Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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