and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
