im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
