I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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