Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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