He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
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I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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