My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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