she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
