also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
zippers are such a cool invention
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
