Just fell off a train. Bad.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
