the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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