Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She's the barista slut.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
