Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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