I think i peed on brittanys purse
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
