Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
