i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
