Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
