he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
