Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
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Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
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I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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